This morning I woke early, but chose instead, since it was still dark and cold, to go back to bed. There was a moment of choice even in my sleepiness when I remembered my intention to get up early and for once have a productive day.
I then fell into a lucid dream in the warmth of the bed - a dream of dubious importance - and got up an hour later - cross and grumpy with myself for getting the day off to a bad start. I've been struggling with this state for some time - feeling frustrated that time seems to slip through my fingers like water - that even days that start well often meander off into a myriad of distractions and day-dreams.
Aware that this day could easily go down the slippery slope into a meltdown of anger and frustration at myself I repeated the mantra - just an experience - just a vibration - and asked the question: Why do I do this to myself? Why do I self-sabotage? And a little voice popped in and said: To prove I am not good enough.
Whenever a voice pops in like that I always pay great attention - this is another part of me speaking - one that is not happy and operating like a loner outside of the main tribe of who I am. It is a part that has been disenfranchised and these lone aspects are often the cause of much internal ambushing.
I replied: Why would I want to prove I am not good enough? And the answer came, so I can go home. So here I have a soul fragment that really doesn't like being in human form and doesn't want to be here any longer. A problem since the rest of me said emphatically, we're doing good work here, we want to stay.
It could be a fragment from a past life, or from early in this life, at least now it is conscious and willing to be in conversation with the rest of me - I am always amazed at how much internal transformation can happen simply by the various parts having a dialogue with each other.
I sat in my study shuffling my tarot cards, still feeling grumpy about the morning slipping away and thought, I'll pull one card to see what is keeping things in this difficult place and one card to show me what will help me to move through it.
Just shuffling the cards was calming and then I had my epiphany - my moment of ah-ha, of revelation, that totally changed how I was seeing this experience. I have been saying to friends and students recently, when you encounter obstacles or difficulties say to yourself: If this were a lesson, what would I be learning?
My epiphany was: What if this was the lesson? - not the lesson of doing everything right and having the self-discipline to get up early and stay focused - but the lesson of turning a difficult state of mind around. I began to get excited as it framed my life completely differently.
In past lives I have often given up, lost courage and been defeated by difficult inner or outer experiences. What if for part of my soul purpose in this life I had decided that I really needed to get to grips with overcoming these obstacles because my inability to do so was derailing me and leaving the potential of the lives I was creating completely untapped.
The thing about learning to turn around a difficult state of mind, to move through an overwhelming flood of emotion, to find my way round an obstacle in the outer world, is that I need to have a steady stream of these challenges to practice on - to learn a variety of different methods, to get to grips with what is going on in me when either I fail and get defeated or I somehow succeed and find my way through. If this is what my soul intends, then I don't need to take the difficulties themselves as defeats - simply as necessary practice material. I can get excited, curious and cunning in my approach to mastering an essential skill.
I did pull my two cards.
What was keeping me stuck? The 5 of Cups - focusing on my failures, on what isn't working and not seeing the things that are flowing and bearing fruit.
What will help me move forwards? The 6 of Pentacles - coming out of self-absorption and sharing my abundance with others. Understanding that what I learn through my own soul tests and lessons are riches that can nourish others.
And this is so true for many of us, we teach that which we most need to learn - and - if we didn't have anything to learn, we wouldn't have anything to teach.